Like this:

While I was living in D.C., I got myself an amazing personal trainer. (If you live in Arlington, VA, check out Fitness First. The club is actually really nice, save for the as-advertised-on-Craigslist gay hookup steam room in the men’s locker room…or so I was told. Hey, it’s D.C.; you can’t throw a rock there without hitting a steam room-loving homosexual.) Anyway, Joe, my trainer, was quiet, but ass-kicking. In fact, he kicked my ass so hard that I gained, like, a shit-ton of muscle.

(Uh, actually, let me be more honest. I did gain a shit-ton of muscle. I also gained somewhat of a problem with guzzling a gallon of Chardonnay topped off with deliciously gelatinous pad thai every night.)

I didn’t really realize what a problem my she-hulk yet slightly flabby body had become until we moved to Seoul and I had to go through boxes and boxes of clothes I’d stored for 15 months while we were in D.C. Yeah, that was traumatizing. My only comfort was that my already voluptuous boobs had grown in voluptuousness thus drawing attention away from the fact that my ass is now an honorary Kardashian and my thighs can crush your skull. Needless to say, I gave away many, many clothes, and am probably still holding on to too many “if only I lose ten pounds” clothes.

But, dammit, I don’t want to get rid of all those hopeful pants and dresses. So, I need to lose ten pounds, preferably 15. Unfortunately, I find counting calories vile. And, honestly, I don’t have the patience to track that. Also, according to the research I’ve been doing on “normal” dieting, I’d probably have to lower my calorie intake to about 1,400 a day. That ain’t gonna cut it as I’m still running about six miles a day and I’m ravenous.

Now, I’m looking at doing a version of the paleolithic diet. When I was training with Joe, we did CrossFit-style sessions, and the paleo diet is favored among CrossFit fanatics. (And, have you seen some of the women of CrossFit? I’ll wait while you look. Back? Yeah, they’re sick, right?) That said, the paleo diet clearly has benefits. And it doesn’t require counting calories. But it does require cutting out all grains, legumes, dairy and sugar.

I don’t know if I really believe the science behind cutting out whole food groups from a diet . (Although I do know that there are a lot of food myths perpetrated by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Really, why did the U.S.D.A. create the food pyramid? I’m sure it’s of no coincidence that the building block of the food pyramid–grains–just happens to be the most widely produced crop in the U.S.)

I guess I’m just looking for some feedback from people who have done the diet before. I’m concerned that I will have zero energy and my usual cherub-like demeanor will change into that of a fire-breathing beast of hell who needs a fucking cookie or she’ll punch your testicles off.