Please note that all items in BRIGHT PINK are my own edits or additions made for the purpose of this post.

From: Me
Sent: Thursday, May 01, 2008 11:31 AM
To: Crazy Bitch Next Door
Cc: Husband in Iraq
Subject: Condo Sale

 

Bitch Next Door,

 

This is your neighbor Amber.  I received your letter yesterday and am writing to propose a solution to the dog barking problem.  Once again, I apologize that my dogs have interfered with the sale of your home.  (Actually, I am not sorry at all.  I’m just being polite.)  However, I would like it to be known that what you’re asking of me is a huge inconvenience.  And while I understand the situation is inconvenient for both of us, I am under no obligation to quiet my dogs or remove them from the premises when you have unanticipated showings.  In addition, I am not actually in violation of either condominium bylaws or city statutes as my dogs do not bark, whine or howl in an excessive or continuous fashion.  (Unfortunately, the 10 minutes of barking that your realtor supposedly heard during a showing does not qualify as “excessive” or “continuous,” but just perhaps “annoying.”) (And your realator Misti-Misti with an ’i'-is an idiot-also with an ’i’.) 

 

Ultimately, I do want you to sell your house and I don’t want impede that process.  (I would like you to move as quickly as possible so that I no longer need to waste my energy hating you.)  What I’m willing to do is take my dogs to a kennel during the day until your house sells.  I currently employ a dog walker that comes to my home three times a week to take the dogs out.  I pay her $160 per month.  As taking the dogs to a kennel would render my dog walker unnecessary, I would put that $160 toward paying the new kennel.  I would expect you to pay the remaining balance. I found a kennel willing to accept my dogs.  The daily charge for their care is $20.00 for both dogs (which is actually quite less than the going rate for other kennels in town), totaling $100 per week or $400 per month.  In response to your other suggestion of outfitting the dogs with shock collars, dogs cannot be left unattended with the collars on.  (Uh, that sounds pretty self-explanatory to me, but was obviously a much-too-difficult concept for you to wrap your head around when you made the retarded suggestion in the first place.)  Kenneling them seems to be the only reasonable solution.     

 

As Glen is in Iraq, (I like to play the “husband in Iraq” card as much as possible) I am the sole caregiver for these dogs until he returns and taking them to and from a kennel every day adds undue stress to my already hectic schedule.  I want to be neighborly and help you out (but not really), but the fact of the matter is that you have told me to take my dogs out of the house that I own in order for you to sell yours; I believe that is a lot to ask.  I hope this compromise is amenable to you. 

 

Please feel free to drop by my office sometime today or tomorrow to discuss this further.  I’m in the Gold-Paved Hallway in the Awesomeness department.  Or, you can call my cell phone at (deleted for my own protection).  Other contact information is listed below.  (Well, it was in the actual e-mail.)

 

Thanks,

 

Your Humblest of Neighbors