So I just heard Jewel’s new song.  Apparently she’s gone country.  And, apparently, she is also a poet.  (Well, not “apparently” a poet.  I guess if you’ve published a book of poetry, that technically makes you a poet.  I think it just makes her a non-rhymer that makes asinine observations about old women dropping sausages from their pockets.)

Anyhoo.  (Is that how you spell that?  Anywho?  Anyhou?  Anywhooe?) 

Okay, here are sample lyrics from Jewel’s new song “Stronger Woman in Me”:

“the light bulbs buzz I get up
head to my drawer
wish there was more
I could say
another fairytale fades to grey

I’ve lived on hope
like a child
walking that mile
faking that smile
all the while
wishing my heart had wings”

General complaints:

Uh, could you be more clichéd? 

Uh, could you pick a more elementary rhyme scheme?

Wow, that was quite something in that drawer that made your fairytale devoid of all color!

Were you fake smiling during that whole mile-long walk?  Your cheeks must really hurt!

But the most real, sincere complaint I have is about her theriomorphism of the heart.  Okay, I get that she wants her heart to sprout wings and fly away.  But why just her heart?  If we’re being literal about this–and I think we are, given Jewel’s obvious turn in realism–if her heart did indeed fly away, she would just die.  I don’t think dying was the ultimate goal.  Maybe escapism is what she was going for.  Then she could have just anthropomorphized herself, sprouted some wings and made her great escape back into a full-color fairytale. 

Then she can move on to equally simplistic (idiotic) similes like “my soul is like chenille” or “my spirit is like cotton candy.”