In an amazing twist of fate, my husband started a blog! I didn’t know he had it in him, that sexy beast (www.mysimplelife79.wordpress.com). And, yes, that is his huge face in the header. (On a side note, I took that picture of him except I missed him the first time and told him to go back outside and “act surprised” when he came back in. He didn’t disappoint.)

I just saw the movie “Teeth” last night. And I am not the same today. And not in a good way. The movie couldn’t decide what it wanted to be. Was it a satire? A dark comedy? A horror film? A feminist statement? All I know is that today I am still disturbed. Maybe that was its intention. I will say, though, that the acting was phenomenal. Jess Weixler is like a dewy, young Meryl Streep.

Currently, my husband and I are compiling lists of the 100 things we want, no need, to accomplish before we die. I am only about a third of the way done with my list; not because there aren’t far more than 100 things I want to do before I die-there are-but because I suck at remembering all the things I want to do when I actually get to writing them down. The other day  I remembered that I wanted to learn to ride a horse, so I went to my list to document it only to find that I’d already written it down…twice.

Apparently I really want to learn how to ride a horse.

My list is fairly simple and, quite frankly, not that personal. There are some “big ticket” ideas on there, but most of the things I want to do involve merely signing up for a class or doing some research. I’ve also noticed a pattern of listing very “country-fied” ideas. There’s a farmer in me just dying to get out.

So, without further ado; here is my incomplete list.

1.       Own a bed and breakfast

2.       Operate a goat farm

3.       Learn to herd sheep with my dogs

4.       Start an animal rescue

5.       Live in a foreign country where they don’t speak English for one year

6.       Assist in the birthing of an animal

7.       Stay in a tree hotel in New Zealand

8.       Christen a boat

9.       Champion for mental health issues

10.   Zip line over a canopy in the rain forest

11.   Rent a private island in the Maldives

12.   Renew my vows with my husband yearly (formerly or informally)

13.   Go apple-picking in the fall and make a homemade pie (that’s edible)

14.   Build a fence around acreage that I own

15.   Tour the Eastern Bloc

16.   Muck stables

17.   Take a photography class

18.   Break off a toxic friendship without feeling guilty

19.   Learn to ride a horse

20.   Learn passable Greek and Mandarin

21.   Own my dream home, complete with wrap-around front porch and acreage

22.   Landscape a yard

23.   Complete a successful home improvement project

24.   Go whale-watching in Alaska

25.   Go to the Mütter Museum

26.   Own a pair of classic Christian Louboutin pumps–Update! So, no Louboutin’s yet. But I did buy some Dior’s.

27.   Attend a gala where ladies must wear ball gowns

28.   Go to the big Jones Family Reunion celebration in Wales to meet my kinfolk

29.   Make enough money from this blog to make it a career

30.   Shop at Chloé on Madison Avenue

…has all but disappeared. But not because I’ve stopped buying shoes. Nay, I’ve probably bought more shoes in the last few months than I ever have in my entire life because, well, my husband is in Iraq and I’m very lonely. But, Steve Madden would never abandon me. Oh, Steve, you’re such a naughty boy.

A few weeks ago, some girlfriends and I went gangbusters in a Steve Madden store. (And by “my girlfriends and I,” I mean “I” went gangbusters in Steve Madden while my girlfriends stared in abject horror and my unbridled spending habits and my definitely-on-the-whorish-side taste. But, this shopping excursion was the closest thing to sex I’d had in months.) I think my eyes are still having sensory orgasms. Behold my babies:

The Chapp: “Quickly! Get me to the haberdashery shoppe! Wait, not that quickly! These are five-inch heels!”

The Kapture: This lovely spring green looks surprisingly pretty with, oh, everything.

The Reede: I can’t tell you how girlie these make me feel when I wear them. Oh, yes I can. This is my blog. “These make me feel so freakin’ girlie.”

The Togga: Uh, hello sexy dominatrix gladiator goddess.

God, I love Steve Madden. He’s so impractical.

The following are Google search terms that were used to find my site.  I like them; they are funny.  If you don’t want to read the whole list (but, tell me, who doesn’t?), the more ”out-there” ones are written in cool cyan.

Mythical Australian Shepherds

Delicate labia

User-generated porn

“Sierra Trading Post” cocaine

Detox foot pads smell like bacon (Actually, more accurately they smell like rotting potatoes.)

Calf porn

Most disturbing website (I’m very proud of this one.)

Jewel sucks (I second that.)

How to play ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Litter Star’ on the recorder

Girl on toilet bathroom poop fart

Porn platform sandals

Platform porn

Pitching a dog

Tampax toilet

Afghan hounds

What to call a dog

Dooce sucks (On the contrary, asshole.)

Naked honeymoon pics

Woman, water (So simple, so sweet.  I wonder what the hell they were looking for.)

Power flush toilet

Funny sign bathroom

I love the collective Internet.

I think I should make it known that the account I wrote about Sierra Trading Post was done on my own volition without the knowledge of, or input from, any current employees. It was my own account about my own experiences with the company and not a reflection of company-wide sentiment.

I think it should also be known that every single detail of my experience with Sierra Trading Post in that post is true. 

And, people, the part about being provided with free cocaine at my current job is false.  It’s called hyperbole.  Look it up.

Please note that all items in BRIGHT PINK are my own edits or additions made for the purpose of this post.

From: Me
Sent: Thursday, May 01, 2008 11:31 AM
To: Crazy Bitch Next Door
Cc: Husband in Iraq
Subject: Condo Sale

 

Bitch Next Door,

 

This is your neighbor Amber.  I received your letter yesterday and am writing to propose a solution to the dog barking problem.  Once again, I apologize that my dogs have interfered with the sale of your home.  (Actually, I am not sorry at all.  I’m just being polite.)  However, I would like it to be known that what you’re asking of me is a huge inconvenience.  And while I understand the situation is inconvenient for both of us, I am under no obligation to quiet my dogs or remove them from the premises when you have unanticipated showings.  In addition, I am not actually in violation of either condominium bylaws or city statutes as my dogs do not bark, whine or howl in an excessive or continuous fashion.  (Unfortunately, the 10 minutes of barking that your realtor supposedly heard during a showing does not qualify as “excessive” or “continuous,” but just perhaps “annoying.”) (And your realator Misti-Misti with an ’i'-is an idiot-also with an ’i’.) 

 

Ultimately, I do want you to sell your house and I don’t want impede that process.  (I would like you to move as quickly as possible so that I no longer need to waste my energy hating you.)  What I’m willing to do is take my dogs to a kennel during the day until your house sells.  I currently employ a dog walker that comes to my home three times a week to take the dogs out.  I pay her $160 per month.  As taking the dogs to a kennel would render my dog walker unnecessary, I would put that $160 toward paying the new kennel.  I would expect you to pay the remaining balance. I found a kennel willing to accept my dogs.  The daily charge for their care is $20.00 for both dogs (which is actually quite less than the going rate for other kennels in town), totaling $100 per week or $400 per month.  In response to your other suggestion of outfitting the dogs with shock collars, dogs cannot be left unattended with the collars on.  (Uh, that sounds pretty self-explanatory to me, but was obviously a much-too-difficult concept for you to wrap your head around when you made the retarded suggestion in the first place.)  Kenneling them seems to be the only reasonable solution.     

 

As Glen is in Iraq, (I like to play the “husband in Iraq” card as much as possible) I am the sole caregiver for these dogs until he returns and taking them to and from a kennel every day adds undue stress to my already hectic schedule.  I want to be neighborly and help you out (but not really), but the fact of the matter is that you have told me to take my dogs out of the house that I own in order for you to sell yours; I believe that is a lot to ask.  I hope this compromise is amenable to you. 

 

Please feel free to drop by my office sometime today or tomorrow to discuss this further.  I’m in the Gold-Paved Hallway in the Awesomeness department.  Or, you can call my cell phone at (deleted for my own protection).  Other contact information is listed below.  (Well, it was in the actual e-mail.)

 

Thanks,

 

Your Humblest of Neighbors

I been gettin’ a new job, suckas. 

Which only partially explains why I haven’t posted in, oh, three weeks.  See, I got a new job, but I also took a week off between quitting my old one and starting the new one.  I didn’t have Internet access, and I was blissfully and blessedly away from all things technological.  Um, except the credit card reader at Ann Taylor.  That c.c. swiper and I are total besties now.  Love you, Swipey! 

Wow, that was weird.

Anyway, I’d hinted a few times about what I did at my old job.  But here’s the full scoop.  I wrote clothing and activity guides for the web and wrote copy for catalogs at an outdoor clothing and gear company called Sierra Trading Post.  Anyone interested in working there, take note; don’t do it.  It is a hellhole, not unlike Auschwitz.  And since they have given me my last paycheck (AND BECAUSE I AM WRITING NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH), I can say these things without repercussion. 

For example, the head of the company sent out a memo a few months ago that we were not to listen to music during the day, even though, at least in my department, we didn’t deal with customers and worked creative jobs which sometimes required outside inspiration, like music.  The memo also stated that we were no longer allowed to keep food or eat at our desks (even though a lot of people worked through lunch and were unable to take the time to go to the lounge and eat).  This caused some civil unrest and prompted employees to turn their co-workers in to their supervisors for violating the rule. We were also discouraged from talking to our co-workers about non-work-related topics at all times because we were wasting company time and time is money. 

In addition, a new couch was put in an employee break area and not one, but two people reported to my boss that I had my shoed foot tucked up underneath me on the couch.  And I was going to ruin the precious couch! (Oh, excuse me, I thought a couch placed in a break area was for actually sitting on.  How silly of me to sit on a couch!  And, people, if you have a problem with a shoe on the couch, come up and tell me, don’t go tattle to my boss.  Unless you’re in pre-school.  Then it’s perfectly acceptable behavior.) This prompted my boss to write me a detailed e-mail about professionalism in the workplace.  Hilarious coming from a woman who cried all the time during staff meetings and couldn’t bother to wear clean clothes to work.

The final week I was there, the company also issued a mandate that certain appointed individuals were allowed to check all employee’s bags and…wait for it…cars, either randomly or if there was a susupicion of theft.  Sorry, I didn’t feel like busting my ass for a company that treated me like a criminal.

I think the biggest slight though was that I got my byline taken away when I published work to the web.  I wrote it, my name should be on it.  But alas…

At the end of my time at Sierra Trading Post, the job that I was hired to do was phased out and I was forced into a copywriting position, a job I purposely didn’t apply for when I was first trying to get on with the company.  (Writing copy for a bunch of God-awful closeout clothing wasn’t really how I wanted to use my English degree.  Sorry.)

So I found an amazing new job and gave my two weeks’ notice.

I was harrassed by my former boss for taking vacation days during my last two weeks at work, even though if I didn’t take my vacation days, I wouldn’t be reimbursed for them.  My two immediate bosses wouldn’t look me in the eye, let alone speak to me, after I gave my notice and then wondered why I didn’t stick around to say my grateful and gracious goodbyes. 

But my favorite part about leaving was when I was told to come in on my day off to have an “exit” interview with the head of HR-the interview could not possibly have been done over the phone or, you know, not at all-and then he stood me up.  Very professional. 

The only unfortunate thing about me quitting is that I left behind three lovely girls in my office that I miss dearly day-to-day.  (Girls, I’m sorry I wasn’t in touch the last few weeks.  I was sorting out my feelings about leaving and trying to get over some things that were said to me upon my departure that I didn’t want to burden you all with.  You have to work with those people after all!  Can we be friends again now?) 

But sometimes you need to sacrifice things you love to make your life better overall.  That was the decision I had to make when changing jobs.  And, let me tell you, my life is so much better at my new job.  And all the people here are very nice, and pretty, and shiny even and the halls are paved with gold. And I’m writing this post while eating at my desk in my own office and listening to music out loud, without headphones, and snorting free cocaine.

Okay, that part about the gold-paved hallways isn’t true. 

 

I have a new blog design template, Ocean Mist by Ed Merritt.  I like it because I can customize the header to infuse an otherwise generic template with a bit of my own personality. 

The header I have on here now is actually a cropped picture of the luxury hotel my husband and I stayed in on our honeymoon in Santorini.  Even though I am not a photographer, I managed to take some breathtakingly gorgeous pictures of the island.  Its beauty lent itself to that. 

In the header, you are looking out onto the caldera, a volcanic feature formed by the collapse of land following an eruption.  The island of Santorini is constanlty being destroyed by volcanic eruptions and re-built by its hearty, determined and brilliant natives.  The hotel we stayed at was literally built into the hillside (as are all other establishments on the island). 

I just now realized that I never wrote about my honeymoon on this blog.  Even for the most prolific and proficient writer, putting that experience into words would be a daunting task.  Sitting here right now, I can’t even begin to formulate an idea about how I would justify the trip with words.  It was too beautiful and sacred. 

Because of the water shortage and sensitive septic/sewer systems, you aren’t supposed to flush toilet paper in any bathroom in Greece.  In order to remind you of this, Greeks post signs like these on every bathroom door.  Once you see this, you will never, ever again flush toilet paper in Greece. 

“Grrrrr, I am angry with you, you paper-flusher.”

“I will murder you in your sleep.” 

So I just heard Jewel’s new song.  Apparently she’s gone country.  And, apparently, she is also a poet.  (Well, not “apparently” a poet.  I guess if you’ve published a book of poetry, that technically makes you a poet.  I think it just makes her a non-rhymer that makes asinine observations about old women dropping sausages from their pockets.)

Anyhoo.  (Is that how you spell that?  Anywho?  Anyhou?  Anywhooe?) 

Okay, here are sample lyrics from Jewel’s new song “Stronger Woman in Me”:

“the light bulbs buzz I get up
head to my drawer
wish there was more
I could say
another fairytale fades to grey

I’ve lived on hope
like a child
walking that mile
faking that smile
all the while
wishing my heart had wings”

General complaints:

Uh, could you be more clichéd? 

Uh, could you pick a more elementary rhyme scheme?

Wow, that was quite something in that drawer that made your fairytale devoid of all color!

Were you fake smiling during that whole mile-long walk?  Your cheeks must really hurt!

But the most real, sincere complaint I have is about her theriomorphism of the heart.  Okay, I get that she wants her heart to sprout wings and fly away.  But why just her heart?  If we’re being literal about this–and I think we are, given Jewel’s obvious turn in realism–if her heart did indeed fly away, she would just die.  I don’t think dying was the ultimate goal.  Maybe escapism is what she was going for.  Then she could have just anthropomorphized herself, sprouted some wings and made her great escape back into a full-color fairytale. 

Then she can move on to equally simplistic (idiotic) similes like “my soul is like chenille” or “my spirit is like cotton candy.”